I was never good enough. Even when I was just a child, I have always been a disappointment. I was expected to be a great doctor just like my father, and his father. I was not happy with the subject and always had to force myself to learn all that I could, but even if I tried my best, it wasn’t enough. My father appointed two of the best tutors for me, and every day I went into that study room, it felt like a prison. I was choked by words which I could not understand, definitions which I was constantly memorizing. But even with my hardest efforts, I was just average.
Growing up I have always been bullied. Not just by my classmates, but also my brothers who were brilliant in the medical field, and father was proud of them. Unlike me, they were better suited to be his children. Even so, I was forced to graduate in the field of science. Most of our family members had achieved greatness in this field and I was expected to do the same. Father was well known and under his name, I became a pharmacologist.
Soon after my father passed away, leaving my mother all alone. But I was happy that I still had my mother with me. She was the only one who I could share my feelings to, I was dependent on her more than I thought I knew. With time she grew older and started to get sick more often. She asked me to get married and start a family. She had already seen someone for me to marry and was waiting for my response. I did not deny, after all, it was my mother’s wish.
My wife had a career and she was too good for me. But I never saw her smile, not even once until we had a child, With time I discovered that she was forced to marry, and her dreams never became a reality because of the marriage. When our daughter was born I was very happy, she was beautiful and looked so much like her mother. As she grew up, she and her mother grew closer. Her mother was very sick inside when she was working to support the family. I used to work in my pharmacy from dawn till dusk and hardly had any time to spend with them. I was not a good husband, neither was I a good father. After returning home from my pharmacy, I used to spend time with my mother and then I used to go to the study where I researched new medicines and read, anything to get myself busy.
Not long after that my wife became very sick. She was coughing up blood and it was then when I took her to the hospital. She had cancer, and it was already too late for her. After knowing this my daughter was very upset, she was never the same and our conversations grew smaller and smaller.
Even after my wife passed away, I used to see her dead body following me. Sometimes she would stare at me when I am sleeping. The other time’s she would try to hit me and would try to grab my neck. Every time I discussed what was happening to me, others looked at me weird, and every time they would ask me to take rest. It was obvious, they thought I was going crazy.
My daughter started hating me and it was obvious why. Later I had to give away my pharmacy and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. They gave me heavy doses of sleeping pills and every time I woke up I was afraid. I was haunted by my dead wife to the point that I started attacking her back. One time I thought I hit my wife with a chair but when I came to my senses, it was my daughter lying on the floor, bleeding.
I started losing grasp of reality and I was so scared, every day I woke up, felt like I have been tied inside a body which did not belong to me. And just when I needed my mother most, she was gone. Leaving me with my daughter who hated me with all her being. She believed that I was the reason her mother died, and slowly but steadily, I began to believe that too.
This story was inspired by a real incident